• Reagan Hart

Order of the Pieces

I have been irritated for the last two years. In this time I have moved literally around the world: from Kansas to Taipei, Taipei to Tel Aviv and Tel Aviv to The South Bay. I’ve gotten married, traveled some awesome places, seen some amazing things, but yet I have been frustrated.

I have been agitated because this is not how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to move to Taiwan, become perfectly fluent in Mandarin, move to Hong Kong, have an awesome group of gal pals, live in a swanky apartment in Central, be the CEO of a cosmetics company, meet the man of my dreams at 30 and be married by 32. This was how my life was supposed to be but not quite how it has shaped out to be.

When I met my husband in Taipei, it scared the shit out of me. It still scares me to this day. I mean, how are two people supposed to co-habitat, have fulfilling careers, have a family and be happy all the time? I don’t have the answer to these questions; I do, however, know that relationships are wonderful entities but are extremely hard to navigate. Anyways, I was done when I met him, my friends told me so, and I knew it myself. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. The problem with meeting him during this time? I was only 22, WAYYY younger than I was supposed to be when I met my husband.     


After meeting my then boyfriend, I moved to his home country (Israel). To be with him, I studied a master’s that I was not interested in because universities hand out student visas to willing students like Halloween candy, however companies do not do the same for willing employees. Moreover, there I was. I was supposed to be having the time of my life in a foreign country but instead found myself feeling suffocated by his life, his career, his culture, and his family. The fear that I had about being with this person and how it had changed my life manifested into anger, which led to resentment. It sounds dumb, but I begrudged him for the decisions I made in moving to his country—when it was all to my devices. Again, in my head, this was not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be a 23-year-old billionaire in Hong Kong—not going to great aunt’s birthdays and learning about international security.   

The resentment that was in our relationship called for a change. It also caused me to take a look at myself and what I want in my life. We decided, and I chose for my sanity, to move to The San Francisco Bay Area this past December. It has been a slow adjustment and one that is not without hardship, but we can both breathe a little easier here. The anger I held, of life, that fully encompassed him had sucked me up little by little; it is now lifting as we have begun to build our life together in this place that we are both not from.

Looking back now from where we started in Taipei not so long ago, but what feels like a millennium, makes me think of how it should have been and how I wanted it to be with all of my heart; but not how it is. I think I would have loved the life that I had planned out for myself, but I know that I love my husband more. The pieces might not have come together like I thought they would, but they are still coming together none the less.

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© 2020 by Reagan Hart